My Story

I haven't always struggled with my weight.  There was a time when I was fit. My true struggle comes from my depression.  I have suffered from major depressive disorder since I was 15.  MDD is a lifelong battle full of ups and downs, highs and lows. 

After the birth of my second son I had an awakening.  After looking in the mirror one day, something just "clicked."  I did NOT want to hold onto that baby weight.  I was pumping breast milk for my son, which I knew would help me burn calories.  But that wasn't going to be enough. 

Luckily, within my group of mom friends I found my great inspiration.  Ashley.  She kept going on and on about how great Insanity by Shaun T was.  And after much hemming and hawing, I bit the bullet.  What the hell, it would probably save me on medical bills in the long run, right?

All I can say is HOLY CRAP!  That first day was just the fit test, and Shaun T kicked my ass.  But I was hooked.  I felt so good after that first work out.  I had energy that I hadn't had in years.  So began my love affair with Insanity.

I felt great!  Then life happened as it always does.  I got pregnant, again....And gained weight again....  I'm not talking crazy weight gain here, only 20-25 lbs.  But that is enough sometimes.

Throughout my whole pregnancy I thought that I would just bounce back into Insanity like I did last time.  But this time was different.  This time I found myself struggling in a way that I hadn't struggled since I was in high school.

Eventually my depression got out of control.  I stopped getting dressed for the day.  I would roll out of bed and stay in my pajamas all day.  I even went to the grocery, took my son to school in my jammies.  I know you might be wondering what's wrong with that.  Wearing jammies all day isn't really a mood lifter.  Am I really proud of plodding around in huge baggy fleece pants and a frumpy t-shirt of my husbands? NO

Life went on like this for far longer than I like to admit, but I will admit it....It went on for just over a year.  And in that time my body image suffered.  I hated myself, the way I looked, the way I felt.  And after months of thinking about how much I hated myself I had an eye opener.

One day I was musing about different ways of killing myself.  Honestly, I felt like the worst mother in the world.  What good was I to them?  I couldn't function, let alone do them any good.  What kind of example was I setting?

And then I thought "What the HELL am I saying?"  My kids need me.  Not some photo on the wall that daddy shows them.  And also not the shell of who I was, but me.  And actively participating mother.

So here I am now.  Pushing myself.  Trying my absolute hardest to be the best me possible.  Do I struggle?  Hell YES!  But do I carry on, yup. 

The key to my personal survival is being active.  The more that I exercise, get out of the house, and just DO, the happier I am.  Every time I stand in front of my TV and exercise with Insanity or Turbo Fire, I am revitalized.  I feel like I can face anything with that energy.

So why do I put this all out there.  Why would I open my inner workings for complete strangers to see?  Because I have come to believe that depression is a journey, not a destination or a pit stop.  I may continue to struggle with it for the rest of my life.  So may someone else. 

I want to let people know that they are not alone.  You do not have to hide in your shell and think that no one understands what you are going through.  I DO understand and I am here with you listening and feeling. 

So how do we get through this journey?  How do we find our way through the tunnel of darkness to begin seeing the light?  By changing.  Changing our daily habits, our ways of thinking, and refusing to let our struggles get the best of us. 

I propose to take life one day at a time.  To wake up every day and remind myself that today is the day that needs my focus.  Not tomorrow, or next month, TODAY.  I will get up every day and change one little thing that holds me back.  No matter how hard it is, no matter the struggle, I can do this.  I WILL do this!

So as my journey begins, I ask “Who’s with me?”